In order to be a good parent, you need to remember a few simple rules:
- Physical, verbal or psychological abuse is NEVER an acceptable means of punishment.
- Give your child as much affection as possible without crossing taboo areas. Your child cannot consent to sexual contact.
- Tell them daily you love them.
- Set down clear, simple rules that are age appropriate.
- Allow time outs when your child does something wrong to give yourself more time to control your temper before giving out the punishment.
- Spend quality AND quantity time with your child.
- Make sure your child has regular physical and dental check ups.
- Make sure your child is properly fed, clothed and well rested.
- Keep your house as clean as you can. Messy okay - keep away from being unsanitary.
- Never leave your children home alone without adult supervision.
- If using teen baby sitters, make sure they are at least over 16, have experience and references, and limit them to only 4 hours.
- Make time for yourself away from the children.
If you do all these things, parenting becomes more of a joy than a chore. Yes, I know, you are probably wondering what to do about the whole discipline issue. Do you spank or not?
This is a very personal issue and controversial. Spanking is seen as an act of assult on a child in a few countries and some states. If you are caught spanking your child, you can be arrested, jailed and fined if it is illegal in your area. However, children in these areas are not out of control due to lack of spankings. So what does that tell you about spanking?
There may be occasions where is seems like the right thing to do like if your child who is too young to understand words is about to touch a hot fire or run into a street. It seems pretty reasonable to spank them to shock them into paying attention. What about when a child is simply out of control? Some parents swear that this is the only way to get the child's attention.
Opponents argue that those who spank usually have to continue to spank, so the child never really learned a lesson from spanking. They say that a lesson learned in fear of consequences sets the child up to be afraid of life, trying new things, and making mistakes. Most often, the child feels humiliated and shamed when spanked, but will tend to sneak around to do something bad to avoid spankings in the future.
Even with alternative methods of punishment, children rarely learn their lessons the first time around. That doesn't make this method any more or less effective than spanking for that reason. You could ground your child or give them time outs or take away privileges, but they most likely will try it again until they get tired of the consequences for breaking the rules.
The difference between spanking and alternative punishment methods is spanking tends to break some of that bond of trust between parent and child while other methods gives the child a bit of dignity while they are learning their lessons. Spanking is a culturally accepted means of punishment in some areas and it works for them. Either way, any form of discipline should be done out of love for the child, not for you to act out your hostile feelings. So, if you must spank, learn a bit of control. Only spank using your open hand on their bottom and only as many hits as is age appropriate. Do not spank until YOU have your temper under control.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines disipline as, "Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement." When you raise children, you want to instill in them principles, behaviors, and life lessons that will help them become the best adults possible. Discipline is not confined to punishments alone, but involves the total experience of being a parent to your child.
Your child needs you to be a parent, not a friend. You are their leader and not a peer. You set the example for them and you should expect them to follow what you do [in other words, do as I say and not as I do does not work]. Don't be afraid of their reactions when you tell them the rules and expect them to follow. And follow through on your promises as well as punishments, be consistent. You will make them cry. You will make them angry. They may very well say they hate you. You are the parent and must tough it out for their own good.
You and your children will get along much better if the rules are kept to a minimum. Don't make everything a federal case. If a child leaves the milk out on the table it should not get the same punishment as if they beat up on a sibling or refused to do their homework.
Your child needs to learn respect, love and service. They should learn to treat each member in your home with respect as well as get it in turn. They sould learn to show love and affection as well as receive it. They should learn that on a small scale the home is like the world at large and everyone has their responsibility to it which includes chores, cleaning up after their messes, homework, and curfews.
Don't get too hung up on the details of each area, but give general guidelines. In some situations, it may be in the child's best interest to stray from rules written in stone. You may find yourself in those same situations.
Also, make it clear about your moral beliefs. You are the parent and absolutely have the right to impose your moral values on your child. If your child strays away from the moral values of your belief, YOU are the one who often has to deal with the consequences. If you do not believe in sex before marriage, make it clear where you stand. It doesn't mean that those determined won't, but it does mean that you will impose a clear cut discipline when they break your rules when living under your roof. If you believe in God and going to church, it is well within your boundaries to expect them to go to services with you, but don't expect you can change what is going on in their heads or you will set yourself up for disappointment.
Children follow by example and expectation. If you are willy-nilly when it comes to punishment, the kids will notice the pattern and do whatever they want because they figure it is better to take their chances and do what they want because you may or may not punish them. If you are consistent, they know after a certain point they will not get away with such behavior. If the child sees the parent doing things you have told them not to do, they will see it as hypocrisy on your part and will discount most of what you are trying to teach them.
If your children know the clear cut rules, your moral stance and the consequences of what will happen if they break the rules, you have more control and peace in your home.
Here are some of the common rules you can lay on your children:
- If they make a mess, clean it up as soon as the mess is made.
- Homework must be done as soon as they come home from school.
- Chores are to be done properly and on time.
- No back talk to the parents.
- They must take a bath, brush their teeth and wash hands.
Even if these were the only rules you imposed on a child, your home will run much more smoothly. But how do you get your kids to follow the rules? By staying on top of them until it becomes a habit. Do not let anything slide.
For instance, with the rule of cleaning up after themselves when they make a mess, it may require you following them around closely for a few months. During that time, if you see them make a mess, don't let them do anything else until they deal with the mess. If they refuse to clean their mess, suspend a privilege or detain them in their room or in a corner until THEY decide they want to clean up the mess in exchange for their freedom or privilige. Do this consistently for a few months and you will find you won't have to nag them as much. You must also set the example. During the same time if YOU make a mess, YOU must clean it up immediately. If you don't, they won't be as inclined to learn the lesson. You have to decide. Do you want a short term inconveince to get them on the path of a lifelong habit OR do you want to give up the moment you feel like it is not as important to set up this discipline and too much trouble for you and face years of them making a mess for you to clean up? It really is more on you than the child.
Or with homework. You may decide the best thing to do is have homework done before dinner. That way you have plenty of time to check for errors, help them, or get them to the resources they need before you get too tired at the end of the day. It would be in your child's best interest and that of the family to expect all homework be done at a certain time as it is not fair to the rest of the family when they waste your time. It is up to you that to provide a quiet, clear place to do the work. It can be a desk in their bedroom or the kitchen table if they require more supervision and adequate lighting and a chair that gives them proper support. Provide paper, pencil, pencil sharpener, rulers, dictionary, or whatever they need to get the job done. You may want to establish contact with your child's teacher to get details on expected assignments on a daily or weekly basis so you will know for sure if your child really does have homework. If the assignment involves Internet research, stay in the room with them while they are on the 'net, not only to make sure they are safe from forbidden sites, but also to make sure they aren't playing "Doom" or "Tetris". If they "forget" to bring their homework home, contact the teacher if you can and see if you can get the assignment online, via e-mail, or go to school to pick it up. If this is impossible, make sure your child knows that this excuse is punishable by having a privilige taken away until THAT particular assignment is done. It may be late and the teacher may not accept it, but show your child that you will not let them get away with missing even ONE assignment. If the homework is not done on time, you can restrict privileges until the homework is done. If you are consistent with these rules and punishments, the child will eventually understand that they HAVE TO do their homework because they don't want to be restricted from things like watching tv, talking on the phone, playing with friends, video games...
If you are trying to keep order in your home, it is necessary everyone pulls their weight. A child who does not have chores often grow up with the mentality that everyone is out there to serve their needs and nothing is expected of them. As a family unit, everyone should have something to do for the common good of the household. A small child can do something as simple as make their bed, gather up the laundry and sort, and dust. They may not do it perfectly and you may have to re-do it or show them how to do it several times, but they will eventually learn. An older child can be expected to clear the table, wash dishes, unpack and load a dishwasher, clean their bedroom, vaccum, sweep, take out the garbage, or light yard work. Again, you may have to show them several times before they get it right. A teen can do even more such as take on an entire room in the house other than the bedroom like a bathroom or living room, they can watch after smaller children, mow the lawn or assist in the garden, wash the car.
The chores are not tied to an allowance. The child should be learning the price to be paid as being part of a community. These chores are teaching them lifelong skills they need as an adult. It should not be tied into money as this teaches the lesson that they must be bribed to help out around their home. Until a child learns how to do a chore, you will have to stand over them and show them how to do it until they can do it on their own. When they get to that point, set up a schedule as to when the chores need to get done and how long it should take. If a child refuses, take away priviliges or ground the child until they decide to do their chores. If it is a matter of principle, you may decide to leave the mess and let it accumulate until they decide to clean it up. You may even wish to heap on more and more restrictions until they co-operate.
Here is the key in chore management. Do YOU do your chores on time and on schedule? If you don't, they may not ever get into the swing of things until YOU get your act together. After all, if they see you don't always do your chores on time and on schedule, why should they? If you live by your rules, they have no argument and see they won't win the war eventually.
What if the child is disrespectful to you? Unless you have created an atmosphere where the child witnesses constant disrespect, chances are they are just toying with where the line is and how far they can cross it. Be sure exactly where this is coming from before you strike!
Are you having constant or loud arguments with your spouse being as disrespectful to each other and your kids witness this? You need to learn more effective ways of communicating with your spouse when you disagree so your child will witness the proper way to talk to another person.
Are you belittling or hitting your child? Both are abusive and the kids do pick up on that. One of these days, they will turn it around on you and you only have yourself to blame.
If you know you have shown your family and others nothing but respect, you can almost be assured they are just testing the boundaries. You don't want them to get away with it even once as it sets you up for further attacks that become harder to stop.
Effective punishments include time out, giving them a writing assignment, or taking away a privilege as well as expecting them to give you a sincere apology for their behavior. Don't stoop to that same level or you just reinforce the idea of the behavior in question.
When trying to set up ground rules, don't try them all at once. Do one thing at a time until it becomes a habit and then add another one. Don't let the important rules slide because you are too tired to enforce the consequence or you will set the progress back to square one. Keep an even temper when it comes to punishment and your child will be more responsive. Eventually, your children will be in control.
