This report is not out to make the parent the bad guy, but merely to help you reach an understanding of the consequences of your actions, how they affect your child and what it will do to you if you do not get the help you need.
As an adult, it is easy to become overwhelmed with the pressures of life...trying to pay the bills, keeping up with things at work, dealing with people who are difficult, as welll as trying to keep your family together...all of these things can be hard, but for a few people the challenges are more difficult than for others.
When things in your life seem so out of control, one thing that may have seemed minor in retrospect can quickly snowball into a problem that seems impossible. What do you do when you hit that point of no return?
Unfortunately, some parents take it out on their children. This is a big problem in the United States as statistics show approximately 903,000 children were found to be victims abuse which includes general neglect, medical neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological abuse. More than half of child victims (57 percent) suffered neglect; 2 percent suffered medical neglect; 19 percent were physically abused; 10 percent were sexually abused; and 7 percent were psychologically maltreated. The abusers were one of the parents, both of the parents, foster caregivers, day care workers, teachers, coaches and others who work with children.
The 2001 victimization rate of 12.4 per 1,000 children. Approximately 1,300 children died of abuse or neglect during the year 2001, a rate of 1.81 children per 100,000 children in the population.
[http://www.calib.com/nccanch/pubs/factsheets/canstats.cfm]
The cost of abuse on the taxpayer level is high. Most of these costs are passed down to you to the tune of $24,384,347,302 in 2001 alone which covered the expenses in hospitalization, health problems, mental health care, child welfare system, law enforcement, and the judicial system.
[Prevent Child Abuse America has estimated the costs of child abuse and neglect based on data from a variety of sources, including the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, U.S. Department of Justice, and U.S. Census]
Keep in mind, despite what the statistics say, the truth is some of these cases reported are false accusations due to parents getting back at each other, people with an axe to grind, or a jealous person trying to make a point. So, take them with a grain of salt. No matter how large or small the problem, the real problem is the actual victims of abuse and their abuser. Even one case is one case too many. What happens in other homes may not even matter much to you, but when you fall into the abuse cycle it matters.
- [http://www.vocalny.org/NewsoftheForce599.htm]
- [http://www.jimhopper.com/abstats/]
This is a high price for society to pay for the protection of our children. You may roll your eyes at the cliche that the children are our future, but really think about that. The children growing up today will remember things they learned in childhood. A scarred child becomes a scarred adult who may have a lot of problems to deal with. Not all abused children suffer the fate of a wasted adult life full of blame, self-pity and hatred, but many do without help. Don't contribute to the next generation by creating little people who will grow up to have big problems. One of these days, you may need them to take care of you.
Children can be stressful. They always seem to have way too much energy when you just want to wind down and relax. They always want you to buy them something when you are worried about just paying the rent. They want you to play with them as you are busy trying to get out the door. Or if you want quiet time and relax or do something for yourself, they tend to interrupt your rare moments. They fight, they whine, they cry, they don't want to do their chores or do what they were told, the get into things they aren't supposed to, they lie, and can do other things to just drive you crazy. Trust me, I understand.
But remember, they are just children. They are not little adults with a full sense of actions and consequences. Most children, until they turn 18, are in a world of their own. You revolve around them and their needs. They depend and rely upon you for love, guidance and discipline. Without an adult looking out for their needs, they are lost. Even kids with abusive parents tend to be loyal to them, not just out of fear, but because YOU are their parent and YOU are SUPPOSED to have their best interests at heart. They take everything you do very deeply and personally.
If you feel you are starting to get to that point where you may strike out at your child, walk away before it escalates. You may want to have a spouse or a family member look after the kids while you take a walk or a nap. You may just lock yourself in your room for a few minutes to calm down or do a few exercise routines to de-stress. Or, if you are beyond control, call for help - 911 - and let them know what is happening. If you report yourself before you strike, you have a better chance of keeping your children when you get the proper help.
How do you know if you are within those proper boundaries and when you are about to cross the line into abuse? What exactly is considered abusive?
Physical. It is physical abuse when you submit your child to any form of physical pain in order to gain control over the child. Some states and countries even consider spanking a form of child abuse. Even if you do spank your child in a place where it is legal, the boundaries are quite clear - open hand to soft, fatty tissue {the buttocks}, no belts or other objects, no wandering to slapping all over the body at random, no attacking out of control until YOU feel calm. If you spank, it must be a very controlled, limited thing. If you inflict any other sort of physical pain to get your child's attention, it is abuse. That includes pushing or throwing them, pinching, pulling hair, putting your fingernails into their skin, sticking or stabbing them with any sharp object, burning in any way, trying to block their breathing, or any other behavior that can endanger their lives or puts them in pain.
Verbal/Psychological. No form of verbal assult is appropriate for any child. Avoid calling your child any name or using profanity at them. Psychological goes one step further by leading your children to believe they will lose you, your love, their lives, or someone or something they love if they don't do as you tell them. This goes beyond just taking privileges away until a specified time, this is about letting them think the worst will happen and it will never be undone. This includes heavy guilt trips, passive-aggressive acts, telling them lies about someone they love to make them turn against that person [very common in child custody cases,] using God and/or religion to belittle or scare the child, and making them live in fear of failure and loss of love.
Sexual. Children love to be touched, hugged, kissed and cuddled. Depending on their personal nature, some like it more than others. However, all adults have a boundary when it comes to children. Children will often do things without question because they are led to believe if an adult tells them to do something, it must be okay. Pedophiles tend to cross that boundary too often because they discount the validity of a child's "apparent willingness" to do what they are told. Some adults, who are not technically "pedophiles", may act out because of marital problems and transfer the role of the spouse to the child. Both are abusive. A child is too young on a psychological level to really understand sex let alone to give consent to it. They are merely doing it because the adult in charge led them to believe they should. In practical terms, any adult who kisses, touches or fondles a child in a way to arouse sexual stimulation is guilty of molesting a child. Any adult who engages in oral, anal, or vaginal sex with a child is guilty of child rape.
Medical. This is a very easy one to define, but not evenly enforced. Any parent who withholds needed medical treatment for their child's well being is guilty. This includes those who refuse to give their children medications prescribed by a doctor, those who refuse to give their children shots, those who refuse life saving treatments such as blood transfusions or chemotherapy. Those who fall into this category are usually doing so for religious reasons or due to lack of money and/or insurance. Those who refuse medical treatment on these grounds can find themselves in shaky legal territory. If it is a financial matter, sometimes the state will take the kids into temporary custody to treat the child or refer the family to the social welfare system for help. In a matter of religion, if the situation is life or death, the child will often be taken away permanently. In cases where the law has not rescued a child from refusal for treatment, children have died and the parents usually end up separating from the religion and sometimes put in prison. When the reason is religious, but the child's life is not in immediate danger, such as in immunizations, the courts allow for this loophole as part of the First Amendment, but it doesn't mean someone won't meddle in your business and arrange your children to be taken away. Other cases of medical neglect are usually lumped into general neglect.
Neglect. This is the broad term for parents who have, for all practical purposes, left the children to fend for themselves for a period far longer than is age appropriate for an independant time alone. Babies and toddlers should NEVER be left alone. You can leave them in their rooms alone when they are asleep and you are in the house WITH them, but that is the extent of it. Children ages 4 and older can have a little more unsupervised time depending on their maturity and exact age, but at some point they do need to have you check in with them and interact with them. NEVER leave a child under the age of 18 home alone without some form of age appropriate supervision. Even children ages 16-18 need access to some adult who can check in on them daily, for a few hours while the parents are away. NEVER leave a child in a car unattended! NEVER let them play in traffic. Do not leave children in a busy public area without an adult present. Supervision issues aside, it is also neglectful when you do not make sure your child gets the proper rest [make sure they have a set bed time], or when you have them running around outside at odd hours [set a curfew.] It is neglect when you don't feed your children who cannot fend for themselves as it is abusive when your children can fend for themselves that you do not provide them with access to food. It is abusive if your child is constantly unkempt, unbathed, and in dirty clothing. It is abusive when you allow your children to live in unsanitary conditions. It is abusive when you leave things that are dangerous and/or poisonous where a child can access them unsupervised. It is abusive when you do not allow your children medical care because you are too lazy or wrapped up in your own life to take them for check ups or treatment.
If you feel you may have crossed those boundaries in the past, you can break the cycle now. Chances are you haven't fully realized what you have done. Perhaps you were raised in the same way and feel this is normal. If you suddenly realize you have been abusing your child, stop it now! Find a family counselor and get into therapy as soon as possible. Consult a community college to find classes on child care and anger management. If your abuse is due to financial problems, reach out to the welfare system or your church or community outreach group for help. If you are guilty of sexual abuse, you and the child both need intense counseling and the child may possibly need a physical examination to check for possible stds, pregnancy, or internal damages your actions may have caused.
If you admit to having a problem, you have taken a big step to solving it. Be proud of yourself for asking for help. Follow through with the treatments required to get your family's life back on track. By taking the first step, you are NOT the bad guy. It will be much worse for you if you do not stop it and someone else turns you in. You risk permanently losing your family, social disgrace, job loss, financial hardships, imprisonment, and your own sense of self-esteem being torn apart. Isn't that too high a price to pay for a split moment of losing control? Get it together! You can do it. Most adults manage through many hardships without resorting to child abuse, and you can, too.
