Are You A Victim Of Emotional Abuse?

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Please note, I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist. The following is based on research and personal experience. If you feel as if you are in an abusive relationship, this might help you sort out your feelings. If you feel that is the case, you will eventually need professional help in dealing with it. What is written here is only a guideline out of many guidelines written on emotional and verbal abuse and for educational purposes only. What goes on in your individual life needs to be evaluated on a higher level.

Emotional and verbal abuse is often not taken seriously by society or by laws. In different cultures, even physical abuse against women are accepted and would scoff at the idea of emotional and verbal abuse. However, the truth is this falls into the realm of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse includes physical, sexual and psychological abusive behaviors directed by one partner against another, regardless of their marital status or gender. Women are not just the only victims. Men can also be subjected to this abuse.

As there are no laws against it, victims of it find there are little or no resources. They are on their own to work out their own problem. Why is it a problem? What does this type of abuse do to a victim?

• Isolation
• Low self-esteem
• Self doubt
• Depression
• Anxiety attacks
• Mental illness
• Physical illness
• Increased alcohol/drug use
• Withdrawal from life
• Self-injury
• Suicidal tendencies

What's the difference between emotional and verbal abuse? Both tend to feed into each other. As one implies, verbal abuse involves what the abuser says to the victim and how he/she says it. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse along with elements of abuse designed to hurt the victim emotionally. Many people who think the adage of "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," believe a victim should either put up or shut up about it. It's not all that simple and unless you have been a victim, you cannot possibly fathom what it does to your ability to judge your situation, evaluate your options, and act upon them. This abuse messes with your ability to trust your own judgment and become co-dependent on the abuser, thus enabling his/her abuse. Often, this type of abuse will escalate into physical and sexual abuse, but not always. Some abusers are smart enough to realize the legal consequences of crossing that line and hold back, but will do everything in their power to make the victim as miserable as they feel.

These are some signs of just verbal abuse:

• Yelling or shouting at you
• Making threats
• Insulting you or your family
• Being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs
• Humiliating you either in private or in company
• Sneering, growling, name-calling
• Withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
• Silent treatment
• Refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
• Laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
• Leaving nasty messages
• Accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
• Blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse

This list is from Dr Irene Matiatos. It will give you a general idea of what is considered emotionally abusive.

The Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse

1. Does he/she ignore your feelings?
2. Does he/she disrespect you?
3. Does he/she ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
4. Does he/she ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
5. Does he/she withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
6. Does he/she give you the silent treatment?
7. Does he/she walk away without answering you?
8. Does he/she criticize you, call you names, or yell at you?
9. Does he/she humiliate you privately or in public?
10. Does he/she roll his or her eyes when you talk?
11. Does he/she give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
12. Does he/she make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
13. Does he/she seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
14. Does he/she tell you that you are too sensitive?
15. Does he/she hurt you especially when you are down?
16. Does he/she seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
17. Does he/she have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
18. Does he/she present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
19. Does he/she "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
20. Does he/she try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
21. Does he/she complain about how badly you treat him or her?
22. Does he/she threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
23. Does he/she say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
24. Has he/she ever left you stranded?
25. Does he/she ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
26. Has he/she ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
27. Does he/she seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
28. Does he/she abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
29. Does he/she compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
30. Does he/she promise to never do something hurtful again?
31. Does he/she harass you about imagined affairs?
32. Does he/she manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
33. Does he/she destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
34. Does he/she drive like a road-rage junkie?
35. Does he/she act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
36. Does he/she question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
37. Does he/she interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
38. Does he/she make you feel like you can't win? Damned if you do, damned if you don't?
39. Does he/she use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then?
40. Does he/she incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
41. Does he/she try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
42. Does he/she frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
43. Does he/she treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
44. Do you express your opinions less and less freely?
45. Do you find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something?
46. Do you long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge?
47. Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
48. Do you feel emotionally unsafe?
49. Do you feel it's somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship?
50. Do you hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding?
51. Do you find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality?
52. Do you doubt your own judgment?
53. Do you doubt your abilities?
54. Do you feel vulnerable and insecure?
55. Are you becoming increasingly depressed?
56. Do you feel increasingly trapped and powerless?
57. Have you been afraid of your partner?
58. Does your partner physically hurt you, even once?

(Matiatos, 2007)

This is another list that compiles many other lists on signs of emotional abuse:

1. Are you walking on eggshells?
2. Do you feel everyday you must brace yourself for his/her next possible tantrum?
3. Do you feel you must work harder each time to please your mate, but feel it is futile because nothing you do is good enough?
4. Do you find yourself putting yourself down in front of your spouse and lauding them for putting up with you as if he/she were some great god-figure?
5. Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
6. Does he/she frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
7. Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
8. Does he/she belittle people who are hurt or expressing any sort of grief, anger, or sadness?
9. Does he/she expect you to take their grief, anger or sadness seriously though they discount your feelings when you are sad, angry or facing any crisis?
10. Does he/she isolate you from friends, family or groups?
11. Does he/she limit your access to work, money or material resources?
12. Has he/she ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
13. Has he/she forced you to in a position to lie and steal and run up debts just so you could pacify his/her behavior?
14. Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
15. Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
16. Does he/she pressure you into sex when you are tired, half asleep or sick and makes you feel guilty when you can't follow through?
17. Does his/her needs always seem to be more pressing for your attention than your own needs?
18. Does he/she insist you stop whatever you are doing to do his/her bidding?
19. Does he/she make you feel like no matter what you are doing or have planned can never be as important as what he/she has in mind?
20. Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
21. Has he/she ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened your children or pets?
22. Does he/she have tantrums that involve destroying property or creating a mess?
23. When he/she has a tantrum, do they expect you to clean up the mess they leave behind?
24. Does he/she make rules and orders you to follow them, but he/she cannot be held to those same standards?
25. If it seems as if you are doing something that may outshine your partner in terms of employment, making money, or following your dreams, does your partner seem to sabotage, degrade, or discount your efforts and prevents you from doing what you need to do?
26. Are you afraid of your partner?
27. Does he/she threaten suicide to get his/her way?
28. Have you been pressured to do something to your body to please your mate [ie - plastic surgery, having an abortion or sterilization], even if it is something you were against doing?
29. Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
30. Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
31. Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
32. Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
33. Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
34. Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
35. Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
36. Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
37. Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
38. Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

If you read through all these signs and start to realize that you are a victim, it can make you angry, sad, depressed, and scared or it can give you the comfort of validation that you are not just imagining the situation you are in is really as bad as you thought. How many of these need to apply to your life to be considered abusive? As many as it takes to make you feel abused. For some, even one is more than they can take. For others, they may look at the entire list and feel it is normal (or are in total denial).

According to Dr. Matiatos the following are signs that it IS a problem:

• You express your opinions less and less freely.
• You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
• You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
• You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
• You feel emotionally unsafe.
• You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
• You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.
• You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
• You doubt your own judgment.
• You doubt your abilities.
• You feel vulnerable and insecure.
• You are becoming increasingly depressed.
• You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
• You have been or are afraid of your partner.
• Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

If you are experiencing a relationship that makes you feel any of the above and it is something hard for you to take and you have been a victim of any of the acts described above as abusive, then you are in trouble. Don't doubt your feeling if you are feeling it.

When you start to feel you no longer have control of your life and question your own judgment, something is wrong. Look from within first and then start to evaluate what is not working in your life. Either you can fix it or not. Remember, you cannot force someone else to change. Either they want to change for their own benefit (it cannot be a control, such as I'll get help if you stay) or they want to stay the same.

The only thing you can really do is ask yourself, "Is this the life I want to continue living?" If yes, then you need to find a coping mechanism to deal with your life. If no, then you need to make a plan to leave it. You have to be the one to initiate the change because no one will do it for you.

The hardest thing about being involved in this type of relationship is often the abuser and victim truly do love each other on some levels making it that much harder to change the situation. The abused one can often overlook the abusive actions on him/her because they love him/her and believe they can change or wait in hopes that the parts of them they love will return soon. The good days can be very good, but it is clouded by knowledge the bad days will come back sooner or later - walking on eggshells to avoid it.

If you have thought about it and decide it is time to leave, here is some quick advice to help:

• Keep a journal - document everything you are going through
• Become vocal - abuse is harder to commit when it is known by others, the more that know there is a problem, the more eyes will be watching
• Get support - online or in the community, find others going through what you are for help
• Make a plan - talk to local shelters to map out your plan
• Have an emergency exit - in case things suddenly escalate, you need to know what to do
• Get therapy - the abuser is sick, but you can only help yourself and if you have been in this kind of relationship, you need it
• Don't get involved again - the abuser may make all kinds of promises to get you back, it is unlikely they will change if they are only doing it to keep you (a control element)
• Don't get involved in a rebound romance - you may fear being alone and fall for someone else, but unless you are healed from your emotional wounds, that relationship will end badly
• Don't feel guilty - chances are your abuser doesn't feel guilty about how they treated you, otherwise they would not do it over and over
• Don't feel intimidated - abusers will use it against you to make you fear what they might do, stand up to them and they will eventually back down, if you do it enough, they might be the ones to leave you
• This must be YOUR decision - you can't do it because you think others think you should, you can only do this if you think it needs to be done
• Go at your own pace - you might sense a need to act immediately or want to take a long time to access what you want, unless your life is in serious jeopardy, take it at a pace that you need to go

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